These are the eight grandchildren of my parents, Tony & Cathy. (I won’t put their last name; someone might steal my Dad’s identity and he would never forgive me.) It’s difficult to get eight children age six and under to sit still for a picture. But it’s cute.

I truly laughed out loud when I realized half of them were mine. HALF. I am the third of six children. HOW DID IT HAPPEN THAT WAY?!

As a side note, there are two more grandchildren on the way in September and December. Both are girls, leaving poor Simon to be surrounded by six females, four older and two younger.

I’ve been totally unmotivated to blog lately. But when I took this picture of Miriam I had a major flashback and a wave of nostalgia and I had to share.

Remember this? Oh how I wanted a “Kid Sister.” That was the most effective marketing I can recall from my childhood. Didn’t those kids just seem to have the most glorious existance? I was sure they were so content with their “Buddy” or “Sister” they wanted for nothing else.

It makes me wonder if a doll like that would even sell today. No bells or whistles. Their eyes don’t even close.

Sigh.

Sheesh. I haven’t blogged in awhile. I’ve had an emotional few days.

On Saturday I heard about a friend of my mom’s 4-month old grandson who stopped breathing during a nap on Friday. His dad gave him CPR but he passed away on Sunday. He had three older siblings similar ages to my own children, and he was born only days before Simon. It hit close to home and for days all I have been able to think about is his heartbroken mother. These events always cause me to reflect.

In taking the opportunity to count my blessings I have been reminded about what really matters in life. I know how cliche that sounds, but I have been humbled to realize that my behavior doesn’t reflect my proper priorities, and I am grateful for an opportunity to put them back in place.

At first I felt guilty holding my baby and thanking Heavenly Father for his little life. It felt like I was saying “Too bad for you, I’m sure glad that didn’t happen to me.” Because I’m not any more deserving of my baby than the other mother. But I received a strong answer to my guilt and it was this. “Show me you are grateful.” I feel that I have been instructed to demonstrate my gratitude not in casual prayer but through acts of faith and service.

This morning I attended the funeral of a remarkable woman I met five years ago when we moved to Kuna. She was diagnosed with cancer not long after we moved here and I’ve observed her devotion to the Lord these last few years.

Today at her funeral I realized what a legacy she has left her two teenage children and other family members. Again I reflected. The legacy we leave behind doesn’t begin when we learn we will be leaving the Earth, most of us don’t have the chance to know in advance when our death will be. Our legacy begins now, and for those of us who have children our opportunities to teach them and be with them are passing by.

Our Bishop talked about how Sindy did her best to live true to her family and faith. She really did her best. She had hope that if she served her fellow men and the Lord, he would live up to his promises to her. Her actions demonstrated her faith and all the time I knew her I admired her unselfishness and optimism.

All these thoughts are a work in progress, but I needed to express them.

I am so grateful for hope. I have hope that God will share his peace with those who are suffering and experiencing the pain of loss.

I guess when you have two brothers, this is the way you think a toilet is used. Pull up your shirt, lean forward a bit and stand there. Thankfully she hasn’t caught on to the pull-your-pants-down step. Yet.

The other day I was reading through old blog posts. It is so discouraging to look back through a journal-type record like a blog and read the insights you had long ago that you’ve already forgotten.

But it made me think about how I used to have time to think. I used to think about things. I used to listen to NPR podcasts all the time, and then think about them. Now I am too paranoid to put headphones in for fear I won’t be able to hear one of the kids crying or calling for me or getting into trouble.

I’m just so busy! Mothers everywhere get annoyed when others ask them “What do you do all day?” We all know how much there is to do. But before I had four children, and even sometimes now, I ask myself “What did I accomplish today?” So tonight after all the kids were in bed and I was feeding Simon I thought about it. And the numbers say a lot, so here they are. (Approximately.)

In one week:

Just for the kids alone, not including myself or Richard:

I do approximately 6 loads of laundry. I deliver (with varying degrees of effort) 105 meals. (Babies eat a lot.) I administer or supervise 20 baths. I clip 40 little fingernails and toenails. I change 56 diapers. I read about 12-18 books. I run 10 cycles of dishes. I sweep the floor 10-12 times. I do at least 14 pigtails or ponytails. (Thank goodness it’s just one girl!) I put shoes on and take them off at least 28 times. I brush teeth 21 times. (Don’t do that math, it’s much less than it should be.) I change the clothing of a child 49 times. (That is much more than it should be, see previous post about an overly-dependent 4-year-old.)

I also wipe noses and bums, apply bandaids, give hugs and kisses, swaddle & re-swaddle, play wiffle ball, clean messes, go to the park, attend Dr. appointments, grocery shop, housework, mediate fights, rock a baby and try to have a hobby or two. (Does Pinterest count as a hobby?)

I don’t say all this to brag. Or maybe I do… But I also say it to reassure myself and others that being a mom is super busy. It just is. I remember feeling this way the first few months after each baby, so I am hopeful for the future when things settle down a bit.

And of course, it goes without saying (or does it?) that it is all totally worth it.

Tonight my husband and two oldest children are away camping. My mom is also out of town so I got take out and had dinner with my dad. After dinner we watched a documentary about a Jewish Ghetto in Shanghai during World War II. It was kind of depressing but I appreciate my parents for being the kind of people who do things like this on a Friday night.

On my way home it was quiet and I was thinking about the people from the movie. Then I had one of those moments where I realized how I’m not so good.

[Pause: I am not writing this post to fish for compliments. Please don’t leave a comment telling me I am good, because no offense, I know me better than you. I’m writing this for expression and because I’m curious if you have those moments. Please comment and say that you do. ]

I realized tonight that I am what President Uchtdorf calls a “cloud without water.” Ugh. This realization feels awful. I know what is right, I know what it means to be good, but I lack in the execution. I’ll give myself a little credit and say that occasionally I come through with my actions and they demonstrate my intellectual understanding of goodness, but even still I lack in the feeling. There is no charity. And I absolutely believe that true charity brings joy I’ve yet to know.

I guess the good news is that I’m not in denial.

But the bad news is that tomorrow the realization will probably fade away and I will go on justifying my selfish behavior. Richard and I were talking recently about how hard it is to change your desire. You can argue up and down that you desire to be charitable but if your heart is judgemental and unkind it becomes clear that what you really desire is the satsifaction you get from others misfortunes or the feelings of superiority that come when you point out to yourself the faults of others. I have realized that I cannot change the uncharitable parts of my character until I have changed my fundamental, possibly instinctive, desire to place myself above others. I fear it might take something drastic for me to accomplish that change.

Now that is a scary realization.

I find these days I can hardly participate in anything without having mixed feelings about it. What does that say about me? Indecisive? Insecure?

Anyway, here I will document my journey through my mixed feelings about “couponing”. Don’t worry, I won’t post a picture of ridiculous amounts of food that I paid virtually nothing for. I hate those pictures. In the past they would fill me with frustration and anger that I was paying so much for food and other products. (Again, what does that say about me?)

In the Beginning:

I never though couponing was for me for three reason.
1. I felt guilty. I felt like I was ripping someone off. It almost felt dishonest.
2. It seemed like all that was being purchased was processed foods and drinks I wouldn’t buy for my family at any price.
3. It takes so much time and it was too overwhelming.

In the End:

1. An experienced couponer in addition to my business-minded husband (who audits a grocery store) reassured me that no one loses in the coupon game. It’s all part of doing business, and marketing/advertising. (I’d be happy to enlighten you if you are the guilt-prone type like myself.)
2. Although the processed foods seem to be the most common sale/coupon items with regard to groceries, I’ve found that there are many other products I will use and can save on. For example, since I started using coupons I’ve saved 50-90% on toothpaste, deodorant, EVOO, whole grain pasta, razors, chapstick, shaving gel, cheese, yogurt and more.
3. It does take time. No rebuttal there.

In the middle:

Let’s be honest, couponers can be annoying. I can say this now, because I’ve done it. They rub their good deals in your face constantly. We do this because it feels so good to get good deals, we have to share it with the world. Yeah, we’re basically bragging and no one likes bragging.

I decided to try the whole couponing game because I have two kids in diapers and I was desperate for a way to save. I started reading the blogs and talking to my friends who do it. (And all have been very helpful.) But for the first couple weeks I found myself having serious anxiety. I got more and more jealous when I would see the pictures and hear about the awesome deals people were scoring. I would lay in bed at night thinking about it. Jealousy is ugly. It does ugly things to you.

Before I came to peace with the ways couponing could work for me I had a crisis. I realized that I was becoming as obsessed with saving money as some people do with spending it. And it was just as damaging to my mood. I had a few great experiences where I got good products for pennies and my adrenaline was pumping like I had just finished a race. I also had some terrible experiences where I swore I was done with it all.

For awhile couponing was making me greedy. Even now I fight the temptation of greed. It became about saving more and MORE and MORE! And it became about getting more and MORE and MORE product. I was caring about money more than I ever had, in a totally selfish, greedy way.

Now that I’ve gone through these feelings, learned about it more and let go of the greed, I’ve learned how I can best utilize the concept. I’ve learned that when a product my family uses and needs is on a good sale, I can preorder it and buy enough to last us until the next good sale. I am not willing to work my menu around my good deals though. So I am slowly building a supply of the things I actually want to feed my family rather than buying what is cheapest and finding ways to use it. “Stacking” coupons and “matching-up” coupons with sales is also very helpful with saving on things we can’t live without like sunscreen, swim diapers and toilet paper.

Thank you to all who have helped me learn the art of couponing. The saying “All things in moderation” is very wise. Unfortunately now it is extremely painful to pay full-price for anything.