It seemed fitting to use my 600th blog post as a forum for sharing my thoughts of late.
I’m going to confess here, and for some of you who could see right through me all this time it will be no surprise. But I wanted blog fame. My first year of blogging was simple and fun. I enjoyed it, I felt no pressure, and I had only a handful of blog-friends to compare myself to. Then I started to see bloggers emerge, gain “followers” and enjoy blog fame. So I became obsessed, I blogged often, I set up Google analytics to track my blog statistics, followers, page-views, etc. I tried to be clever and captivating. I tried to have original ideas and share inspiring thoughts. I checked my blog daily, hourly to see if there were any new comments. But I was never satisfied.
During this time I felt compelled to blog about everything. Nothing in my life was enjoyable or satisfying until I blogged about it. A fun afternoon outdoors with my kids or a delicious dinner was not complete until I shared it with the blogsphere. Things started to become backwards. If you are or were a scrapbooker you might relate, creating events just for the sake of the scrapbook page. I was creating experiences for the sake of the blog post, to make myself look amazing. I wanted people to wish they were me. (AHHH, it’s so painful to say that.)
Lately I’ve seen this quote all over Pinterest and it cuts me to the quick.
“We women have a lot to learn about simplifying our lives. We have to decide what is important and then move along at a pace that is comfortable for us. We have to develop the maturity to stop trying to prove something. We have to learn to be content with what we are.”
― Marjorie Pay Hinckley
Since I’m 30 now I guess it’s time to develop some maturity. So I disengaged from Facebook for starters. After doing that, I started to recognize that I often think in “status updates.” This was really annoying to realize. I’ve started to question why I feel so compelled to share share share. [Let me say that those who don’t share the same insecurities as I do are able to participate on Facebook without comparing/judging/feeling inadequate/being narcissistic. There are entertaining and useful reasons to be on FB. It has been my source of anecdotal research, many laughs and general info about old friends/relatives.]
But all of the sudden I was done. I am weary of trying to prove via Facebook and my blog that I am a fun-loving mother who cooks delicious meals makes darling crafts has intelligent thoughts and executes impressive home-improvement projects. While I strive to be all those things, I’m done wasting my effort to share it with the world with the hope that the validation I receive in doing so will somehow make me happy.
I tried to come up with a clever saying for the following idea, but this is the best I can do.
“I’d rather matter a lot to a few people than matter a little bit to a lot of people.”
So I’m back to blogging. Blogging for the reasons I started blogging and for my family members who appreciate it. Should you notice that I am slipping back into my old ways of trying to make myself look good, please just laugh and remember that Rome wasn’t built in a day. (Is that how that saying goes?)
Here’s to another, more genuine, 600 posts.